Monday, April 06, 2015
Sleeping Issue
Since the last week, I've been having issues with sleep. Not to sure if I am over thinking things or it is something else. I've had about 4 hours of sleep a day mostly. And it is not like I am not trying to sleep as well. I get into bed at 10:30 PM, and I roll, twist and turn like there is no tomorrow. I feel so uncomfortable and uneasy that I just cannot seem to doze off. Do not get me wrong, I am sleep like hell, hardly can keep my eyes open, tired, yawning non stop... but I just do not seem to doze off.
She came back
I don't get it.
Dr is back. I really do not understand her or any of this. I was sure that it was over, as things were said and emotions were very high as well and I am sure that the camel's back broke. And yet, today, there she is, saying to forget whatever happen, it does not matter and continue on moving forward as we were. Like nothing happen.
Before that, lets recap on what has transpired and I found out. 2 friends of mine approached Dr and told her a heap of things that I supposedly said about her. Dr asked me, and I told her that was not what I said. End of topic when we met up and I explained. Then last Friday, again, both my friends approached her and told her more stuff that I had mention, and things went downhill from there. I was beyond pissed, and I found out who it was talking behind my back and I sent a whatsapp asking what was happening and an explanation. The reply was she did not tell Dr that, to which I took a screenshot and sent to Dr for her information. And we left it at that with no further communication and both saying bye in end, terminating the friendship.
Yesterday, Dr suddenly whatsapp me a screenshot of the second person telling that they did not lie about what was said. By now, I could not be bothered already on this matter cause I know what I said, and I did not say alot of what they were claiming. I do not know if it was a miscommunication, a jealously gone wrong, or whatever, but my 2 friends were saying it. And I just lost it and told Dr, to believe what she wanted to, as I know what I said. I was not feeling guilty because I did not say it. I was angry tho, at myself for trusting these people who are directly screwing and back stabbing me. Then today, I got a nasty message from the friend, saying I was lying and not a gentleman and shit. I ignored her, did not reply and forwarded the message to Dr. I told her I had enough and did not want anymore nonsense as I have better things to do. Somehow along, I decided that since I was a fake friend to Dr (I believed she viewed me as a fake friend), I told her to tell me straight up and I will leave her alone.
She told me to forget whatever happen, and that we are still friends. And... I was lost for words. After all the nonsense and drama that she was put thru, thanks to me, she says she is still my friend. All the mistakes, the errors, the dumb things I have done, and she still is my friend.
How, is it that I have been blessed to have someone, who has NOT given up on me, when even I have given up on myself? What did I do to deserve this blessing?
I'm..... grateful.
Before that, lets recap on what has transpired and I found out. 2 friends of mine approached Dr and told her a heap of things that I supposedly said about her. Dr asked me, and I told her that was not what I said. End of topic when we met up and I explained. Then last Friday, again, both my friends approached her and told her more stuff that I had mention, and things went downhill from there. I was beyond pissed, and I found out who it was talking behind my back and I sent a whatsapp asking what was happening and an explanation. The reply was she did not tell Dr that, to which I took a screenshot and sent to Dr for her information. And we left it at that with no further communication and both saying bye in end, terminating the friendship.
Yesterday, Dr suddenly whatsapp me a screenshot of the second person telling that they did not lie about what was said. By now, I could not be bothered already on this matter cause I know what I said, and I did not say alot of what they were claiming. I do not know if it was a miscommunication, a jealously gone wrong, or whatever, but my 2 friends were saying it. And I just lost it and told Dr, to believe what she wanted to, as I know what I said. I was not feeling guilty because I did not say it. I was angry tho, at myself for trusting these people who are directly screwing and back stabbing me. Then today, I got a nasty message from the friend, saying I was lying and not a gentleman and shit. I ignored her, did not reply and forwarded the message to Dr. I told her I had enough and did not want anymore nonsense as I have better things to do. Somehow along, I decided that since I was a fake friend to Dr (I believed she viewed me as a fake friend), I told her to tell me straight up and I will leave her alone.
She told me to forget whatever happen, and that we are still friends. And... I was lost for words. After all the nonsense and drama that she was put thru, thanks to me, she says she is still my friend. All the mistakes, the errors, the dumb things I have done, and she still is my friend.
How, is it that I have been blessed to have someone, who has NOT given up on me, when even I have given up on myself? What did I do to deserve this blessing?
I'm..... grateful.
Sunday, April 05, 2015
People Will Disappoint You
I thought I was getting better, I believe that I was changing and I believe I could be blessed of once by god.
But I was lying to myself.
And the ladder that I was using to climb out of this darkness, turned out to be a rotten wooden one, that easily broke, and the hand of darkness pulled me back... no pulled me deeper into this pit. What happen you ask? Well, remember when I mention about that there was a misunderstanding between me and Dr, well I thought I cleared it up. But came Friday, and the person or persons who told her about it, told her more things, and sadly, it was not the truth. One thing about me, if I said it, I'll own up to it. But if I didn't, sure as hell, I am not gonna say I did. So I question the source who said she did not tell Dr that. But at the end of the day, I was the one blamed. I was the one who was a disappointment, hated, and untrustworthy. And I did not say those things. I know the person who said it, and I know Dr. Both are my friends and yet this happen. Back stabbing? Blaming game? Jealously? Miscommunication?
I blame myself.
I should have never trusted anyone ever again. Cause I a fool who trust so easily that people screw me over for anything and everything. I'm a fool for believing in people, and I'm the one to be blamed for everything. I should have known better. This incident has left me very bitter and I hate myself more than ever. No more. I've cut myself off. I have deactivated my Facebook account, twitter and all other social ties with people. I do not need anymore grief or problems in my life. I'm already circling the drain and drinking more alcohol just to sleep that I can't even laugh at myself. I find myself crying all the time and I do not know why I am. I should and prefer to be alone. I don't need anyone to be my friend. I don't any human connections.
After all, people will ALWAYS disappoint you.
But I was lying to myself.
And the ladder that I was using to climb out of this darkness, turned out to be a rotten wooden one, that easily broke, and the hand of darkness pulled me back... no pulled me deeper into this pit. What happen you ask? Well, remember when I mention about that there was a misunderstanding between me and Dr, well I thought I cleared it up. But came Friday, and the person or persons who told her about it, told her more things, and sadly, it was not the truth. One thing about me, if I said it, I'll own up to it. But if I didn't, sure as hell, I am not gonna say I did. So I question the source who said she did not tell Dr that. But at the end of the day, I was the one blamed. I was the one who was a disappointment, hated, and untrustworthy. And I did not say those things. I know the person who said it, and I know Dr. Both are my friends and yet this happen. Back stabbing? Blaming game? Jealously? Miscommunication?
I blame myself.
I should have never trusted anyone ever again. Cause I a fool who trust so easily that people screw me over for anything and everything. I'm a fool for believing in people, and I'm the one to be blamed for everything. I should have known better. This incident has left me very bitter and I hate myself more than ever. No more. I've cut myself off. I have deactivated my Facebook account, twitter and all other social ties with people. I do not need anymore grief or problems in my life. I'm already circling the drain and drinking more alcohol just to sleep that I can't even laugh at myself. I find myself crying all the time and I do not know why I am. I should and prefer to be alone. I don't need anyone to be my friend. I don't any human connections.
After all, people will ALWAYS disappoint you.
Thursday, April 02, 2015
The Good and The Bad
I refused to give up.
Living with depression since roughly 2002, I have changed and become a withdrawn, negative, a give up with no believe in god or hope. I accept this as normal and have been content to allow myself to drown further and further into the darkness. I lost trust in people, and only looked at the bad, never thinking of the good. I started to assume everything in a negative thought, and lost being positive in everything. I didn't see any light in the darkness and I was happy to not look for it. As mention before, I've started having suicide thoughts and it did not even freak me out. It was normal, I thought and I just let it be.
Then, someone came into my life, without reason, she just did. And something clicked. There was a small, light in the darkness. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about love. I'm talking about a special friend, one who brings so much of positive energy and vibe that it shakes your very core. I have never felt like this before with someone. She speaks with simple words and it makes sense to me. She sees that I can be better, and I believe that I can achieve it, that I am not beyond redemption. It is very hard. To change myself, to become better, is extremely hard, when just giving up and avoiding everything is far easier to do.
It hurts, the disappointing feelings when you fail or things do not work out, really gets to me, and there are many times, when I just want to stop and go back into the darkness and not bother. But when I speak to her, I find the courage to say NO! Not giving up.
Not this time.
I've started to complete all the things that I wanted to do, which have been left half done, or haven't even started. Slowly I have clear around 3 items that I have been avoiding, and working on the rest. It is hard, to put the effort and not always get the results you are looking for, but I'm need to do this. I want to change.
Living with depression since roughly 2002, I have changed and become a withdrawn, negative, a give up with no believe in god or hope. I accept this as normal and have been content to allow myself to drown further and further into the darkness. I lost trust in people, and only looked at the bad, never thinking of the good. I started to assume everything in a negative thought, and lost being positive in everything. I didn't see any light in the darkness and I was happy to not look for it. As mention before, I've started having suicide thoughts and it did not even freak me out. It was normal, I thought and I just let it be.
Then, someone came into my life, without reason, she just did. And something clicked. There was a small, light in the darkness. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about love. I'm talking about a special friend, one who brings so much of positive energy and vibe that it shakes your very core. I have never felt like this before with someone. She speaks with simple words and it makes sense to me. She sees that I can be better, and I believe that I can achieve it, that I am not beyond redemption. It is very hard. To change myself, to become better, is extremely hard, when just giving up and avoiding everything is far easier to do.
It hurts, the disappointing feelings when you fail or things do not work out, really gets to me, and there are many times, when I just want to stop and go back into the darkness and not bother. But when I speak to her, I find the courage to say NO! Not giving up.
Not this time.
I've started to complete all the things that I wanted to do, which have been left half done, or haven't even started. Slowly I have clear around 3 items that I have been avoiding, and working on the rest. It is hard, to put the effort and not always get the results you are looking for, but I'm need to do this. I want to change.
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