The Good and The Bad

I refused to give up. 

Living with depression since roughly 2002, I have changed and become a withdrawn, negative, a give up with no believe in god or hope. I accept this as normal and have been content to allow myself to drown further and further into the darkness. I lost trust in people, and only looked at the bad, never thinking of the good. I started to assume everything in a negative thought, and lost being positive in everything. I didn't see any light in the darkness and I was happy to not look for it. As mention before, I've started having suicide thoughts and it did not even freak me out. It was normal, I thought and I just let it be.

Then, someone came into my life, without reason, she just did. And something clicked. There was a small, light in the darkness. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about love. I'm talking about a special friend, one who brings so much of positive energy and vibe that it shakes your very core. I have never felt like this before with someone. She speaks with simple words and it makes sense to me. She sees that I can be better, and I believe that I can achieve it, that I am not beyond redemption. It is very hard. To change myself, to become better, is extremely hard, when just giving up and avoiding everything is far easier to do.

It hurts, the disappointing feelings when you fail or things do not work out, really gets to me, and there are many times, when I just want to stop and go back into the darkness and not bother. But when I speak to her, I find the courage to say NO! Not giving up.

Not this time.

I've started to complete all the things that I wanted to do, which have been left half done, or haven't even started. Slowly I have clear around 3 items that I have been avoiding, and working on the rest. It is hard, to put the effort and not always get the results you are looking for, but I'm need to do this. I want to change.