Sleeping Issue

Since the last week, I've been having issues with sleep. Not to sure if I am over thinking things or it is something else. I've had about 4 hours of sleep a day mostly. And it is not like I am not trying to sleep as well. I get into bed at 10:30 PM, and I roll, twist and turn like there is no tomorrow. I feel so uncomfortable and uneasy that I just cannot seem to doze off. Do not get me wrong, I am sleep like hell, hardly can keep my eyes open, tired, yawning non stop... but I just do not seem to doze off.

She came back

I don't get it. Dr is back. I really do not understand her or any of this. I was sure that it was over, as things were said and emotions were very high as well and I am sure that the camel's back broke. And yet, today, there she is, saying to forget whatever happen, it does not matter and continue on moving forward as we were. Like nothing happen.

Before that, lets recap on what has transpired and I found out. 2 friends of mine approached Dr and told her a heap of things that I supposedly said about her. Dr asked me, and I told her that was not what I said. End of topic when we met up and I explained. Then last Friday, again, both my friends approached her and told her more stuff that I had mention, and things went downhill from there. I was beyond pissed, and I found out who it was talking behind my back and I sent a whatsapp asking what was happening and an explanation. The reply was she did not tell Dr that, to which I took a screenshot and sent to Dr for her information. And we left it at that with no further communication and both saying bye in end, terminating the friendship.

Yesterday, Dr suddenly whatsapp me a screenshot of the second person telling that they did not lie about what was said. By now, I could not be bothered already on this matter cause I know what I said, and I did not say alot of what they were claiming. I do not know if it was a miscommunication, a jealously gone wrong, or whatever, but my 2 friends were saying it. And I just lost it and told Dr, to believe what she wanted to, as I know what I said. I was not feeling guilty because I did not say it. I was angry tho, at myself for trusting these people who are directly screwing and back stabbing me. Then today, I got a nasty message from the friend, saying I was lying and not a gentleman and shit. I ignored her, did not reply and forwarded the message to Dr. I told her I had enough and did not want anymore nonsense as I have better things to do. Somehow along, I decided that since I was a fake friend to Dr (I believed she viewed me as a fake friend), I told her to tell me straight up and I will leave her alone.

She told me to forget whatever happen, and that we are still friends. And... I was lost for words. After all the nonsense and drama that she was put thru, thanks to me, she says she is still my friend. All the mistakes, the errors, the dumb things I have done, and she still is my friend.

How, is it that I have been blessed to have someone, who has NOT given up on me, when even I have given up on myself? What did I do to deserve this blessing?

 I'm..... grateful.

People Will Disappoint You

I thought I was getting better, I believe that I was changing and I believe I could be blessed of once by god.

But I was lying to myself.

And the ladder that I was using to climb out of this darkness, turned out to be a rotten wooden one, that easily broke, and the hand of darkness pulled me back... no pulled me deeper into this pit. What happen you ask? Well, remember when I mention about that there was a misunderstanding between me and Dr, well I thought I cleared it up. But came Friday, and the person or persons who told her about it, told her more things, and sadly, it was not the truth. One thing about me, if I said it, I'll own up to it. But if I didn't, sure as hell, I am not gonna say I did. So I question the source who said she did not tell Dr that. But at the end of the day, I was the one blamed. I was the one who was a disappointment, hated, and untrustworthy. And I did not say those things. I know the person who said it, and I know Dr. Both are my friends and yet this happen. Back stabbing? Blaming game? Jealously? Miscommunication?

I blame myself.

I should have never trusted anyone ever again. Cause I a fool who trust so easily that people screw me over for anything and everything. I'm a fool for believing in people, and I'm the one to be blamed for everything. I should have known better. This incident has left me very bitter and I hate myself more than ever. No more. I've cut myself off. I have deactivated my Facebook account, twitter and all other social ties with people. I do not need anymore grief or problems in my life. I'm already circling the drain and drinking more alcohol just to sleep that I can't even laugh at myself. I find myself crying all the time and I do not know why I am. I should and prefer to be alone. I don't need anyone to be my friend. I don't any human connections.


 After all, people will ALWAYS disappoint you.

The Good and The Bad

I refused to give up. 

Living with depression since roughly 2002, I have changed and become a withdrawn, negative, a give up with no believe in god or hope. I accept this as normal and have been content to allow myself to drown further and further into the darkness. I lost trust in people, and only looked at the bad, never thinking of the good. I started to assume everything in a negative thought, and lost being positive in everything. I didn't see any light in the darkness and I was happy to not look for it. As mention before, I've started having suicide thoughts and it did not even freak me out. It was normal, I thought and I just let it be.

Then, someone came into my life, without reason, she just did. And something clicked. There was a small, light in the darkness. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about love. I'm talking about a special friend, one who brings so much of positive energy and vibe that it shakes your very core. I have never felt like this before with someone. She speaks with simple words and it makes sense to me. She sees that I can be better, and I believe that I can achieve it, that I am not beyond redemption. It is very hard. To change myself, to become better, is extremely hard, when just giving up and avoiding everything is far easier to do.

It hurts, the disappointing feelings when you fail or things do not work out, really gets to me, and there are many times, when I just want to stop and go back into the darkness and not bother. But when I speak to her, I find the courage to say NO! Not giving up.

Not this time.

I've started to complete all the things that I wanted to do, which have been left half done, or haven't even started. Slowly I have clear around 3 items that I have been avoiding, and working on the rest. It is hard, to put the effort and not always get the results you are looking for, but I'm need to do this. I want to change.

Monday!!

Oh goodness! It was a massive weekend that started on a Thursday and finally ended on Saturday. Thursday was awesome, where I went to the Laundry pub in support of my friend Jason, whose band was playing in the Battle of the Bands that was held there.

Arrived early and decided to have dinner at TGIF E-Curve, where my buddy Danesh has been working for ages now. Had the Chipotle Yucatan Chicken Salad, which was great for me especially with the fresh lime squeezed all over it! Once done, went to the Laundry and despite calling ahead for a reservation and confirming it, there was no place ready.

The waiter had to ask a couple to move from the table that seats 10 to one that seats 4. I mean, 2 people sitting on a table for 10? Come on, that's just stupid. And what is the point of making a reservation when the staff doesn't reserve the table? What if there was a larger group sitting down? -1 for the laundry straight up! The drinks menu was pretty expensive as well, a bucket only had 4 bottles of beer and cost RM 65 + 10% tax, which was a rip off. A bucket has 5 bottles, and not 4. And to charge us RM65 on top of that! -1 more! The night progress, and a the first band sucked, couldn't hear the singer at all.... and by the time my friend's band came on, we had finished our drinks and wanted to re order.

But the LACK of waiters... was a huge problem. 2 guys working the entire inside floor where there was no less that 25 tables and it was crowded. We just gave up after 10 minutes of trying to get the guy's attention.... -1 added on. And for every RM 10 spent, you are supposed to get a ballot paper to vote... and after paying the waiter says, he has no idea what we are talking about when asked for the ballot paper.. disorganized much? -1 again.

Over all, Laundry... needs to really get it's act together especially with the staff and reservations. Left Laundry and headed to SOJU! Where the party just was crazy and I spent way too much then I should have! I did not have much fun as I would expect tho.

A Break Has Happen!!!

I thought about it, and decided to do something. And she replied!! Yes, she replied!! We talked a bit for a while, and I am feeling so much better. Sometimes, all it takes is something good to happen to lift one spirits. And I am smiling like an idiot now.

Taking the first step

Haven't spoken to doctor since Saturday. Sent her my reply to her whatsapp and haven't had any reply since then. Me being me, decided that she must be upset and did not want to talk to me anymore, so I just remained quiet and did not send anything back. I figured that I must have screwed up somewhere, and I didn't know how to make things back to normal. Things have been going downhill for a bit with doctor. I can only blame myself, as I have this tendency to destroy relationships when things are going good. I get scared and paranoid that I self destruct. I start doing stupid things, making things awkward and basically making the other person just give up or leave. And it's a damn trend that has been going on for the past few years.

I just cannot bring myself to get close to anyone. The moment I do, I have the urge to pack up and run away, and run as fast and far as I can. I am so scared that I will get screwed again that I end up not trusting and breaking things off. Doctor has been an awesome friend, and thanks to her, I have started to try to pull myself out of my darkness, my depression and putting the pieces of my shattered life back together. Then I got scared. I started my nonsense and ended with both of us not talking. Normally, it would not bug me, or make me uncomfortable to not talk to a person after the first day. I would just continue on, and not think about it anymore.

It will be a past that I won't think about anymore. But for the first time in years, I feel different. I have regrets and am so uncomfortable that we do not talk anymore. I think about her constantly and wished that I can fix things. I do not know what to do. How do I fix this? It's the fifth day only, and yet I feel like we have not spoken in months... and it really hurts for once. So, I decided to do something that I would never have done before.

I whatsapp her, asking how she was. Not sure if she will reply. But at least, I am taking the first step.

Lord help me.

The new job and my feelings...

As mention previously, I've been transferred from one company to another after a month working. From the factory to the office on the 23/03/2015. Normally I wouldn't have any issues with this, but this time, I have not clue as to what I am supposed to do. I entered the factory without any knowledge on the production items, and starting from scratch, I had to learn fast so that I could keep up with the rest. And now I am placed into another company, a IT company which I have no expertise at all. Hence I am unsure as to how I am gonna learn, as this is very out of my comfort zone! To make matters worse, I am all alone in the office. Yup - 9 to 6 daily, I sit alone here in this office where it can easily hold 15 staff. No one to talk to, no one to go for lunch, and instead I only have myself to keep company. But, truth be told, deep down, I feel relieved to be alone, so that no one can see how bad I have become. And, I miss her so much. Not talking to her, acting like complete strangers.... it is just killing me inside. I hate this. I do not know what to do or how to make things better. I just wish, things can go back to normal. I told myself that I am on the path of change, and instead of relying on friends by talking to them, I'm currently working things out on my own. I'm trying to be more independent at solving my problems, but it is hard. But I need to grow as a man, to be a better man than I am now. I'm slowly taking the steps, but I tend to get lost very often and I cannot see thru the darkness that clouds my path. I knew it was never going to be easy, but I didn't expect this to be this hard. And with me being so depress, for every roadblock I reach, I take 5 steps back. It is a constant struggle to move forward and I can feel the hands holding on to me, pulling me back. Only time will tell if I make it into the light.

Depression

As hard as it is to admit, I have been battling my depression for over a year now and things have not gotten better. In fact, things have progress far worse. It took me a very long time to accept that I am suffering from depression. Despite facing it over a period of 3 years as far as I can remember, I never came to terms with it until this past year. In the beginning, it was relatively mild, and unassuming so it was easy to ignore and continue on. But as time moved on, the darkness within me, grew. Slowly, steady, and stronger. I never thought anything was wrong, I accepted it as a normal thing, feeling sad, down, angry, frustrated as part of me not being happy with work and at home. It did not occur to me, that something else was wrong, and I just ignored it, telling myself, it will get better. But it didn't. It got worse. As I write this, I have changed so much from who I was back then. I no longer find joy in anything. I have lost interest in nearly everything, my personal collections of transformers... just feels like a waste of money suddenly. Watching my favorite series or anime, no longer excites me. I just fast forward to the end, and that's that. I no longer feel any interest in hanging out with friends, or answering their calls or whatsapp / messages. Movies, clubbing, eating out, shopping.... all feels like a waste of time. I just want to be alone. In my room. ALONE. I no longer eat meals. I take maybe a can of soya bean when the hunger feeling hits, but on most days, it just water and a piece of chicken or a spoonful of vegetables. I sleep so much more, and yet I am always tired out when I wake up. I feel like I did not a restful sleep at all in months now, and I have to drag myself out of bed everyday. If not, I'll just lie in bed and let the day pass me by. And as of the past few months, I feel like there is no reason to this life anymore. I actually prayed and asked God to take me, be it heaven or hell, but just to take me. I have been keeping myself in check when this thoughts come in, but it is getting harder. I used to talk to my good friend (Dr) and it helped abit. But ever since we stopped talking, I find this thought coming frequently. I feel so lost in this world, and I do not know where I stand anymore. I keep asking for a break, for something good to happen... and yet it nothing seems to be happening. The one good thing, Dr who came into my life, has also left. I try to fight this feeling, I tell myself I am relevant daily and yet, I feel like I am just lying to myself.

A friend missed

A good school mate passed away and I went to pay my last respects yesterday. I met up with about 15 school mates some who I have not seen in some 20 odd years. One comment mention really stuck with me, "It seems we only meet up either during weddings or funerals" and it is the truth. As we get older, we find that new things ie family, work takes priority and we do not set aside time for meet up with friends on a regular basis. Instead, it is only during a function that we all meet up, and at times, it's too late. Time does not wait for anyone. You never know when someone number is up. You just don't. So, I'm gonna take time off every now and then to meet up with my good friends, and enjoy the remaining time we all have left and not regret later on.

A change of luck is needed

Since Saturday, I cannot seem to catch a break. Nothing good as come, and everything has been bad across the board. It started at 4AM on a Saturday morning, where I lost an awesome friend, the doctor. We no longer talk or see each other. Our friendship is now, just two random strangers.. and it hurts far more than I can say or express. I miss her terribly, and yet, there is nothing I can do to repair this. My uncle passed away, and went to his funeral on Sunday in Malacca... and found out at night that a good friend had passed on. Just got back from my friend's funeral, may you rest in peace my friend... you will be missed. Plus, got the news that I was transferred from the factory to another company. I'm very worried as I know nuts about their job and I do not have the expertise or knowledge to handle this assignment. I feel like the walls are closing in, and I cannot breath again. I need a change, and for something good to happen. Soon. Before I reach my breaking point.

Updated!!

Decided it was high time I update alot of things on this good old blog of mine! The list: 1. New Look 2. New Colours 3. New Background 4. Change my nickname 5. Change the photo 5. Edited and deleted some of the links New Look, New approach, New way of thinking.

Ehm...

It's been donkey years since I actually posted something here... and the truth of the matter is I just forgot about my blog. As time passes, and you get so wrapped with up with everyday life and find less and less time for things that are deemed less important. Slowly, you just forget about it. Alot of things has happened since my last posting, and my life has change so very much. Now, back in Malaysia after spending a good 5 years in Perth, I find myself sitting here, questioning some of my life choices, and would my life be different if I had made different decision? Recently, I met an awesome friend, who has taken the time to talk to me, motivate me, and counsel me on various matters, when she could have easily not taken a care. After all, it is not her problem. Unlike most of my friends, I have never a clicking, a resonances so strong with her. She spoke in simply terms, telling me off when needed, and just laying it bare to me, so much so, I actually sat up and listened to what she was saying. Those who know me, will know that I am a strong stubborn ass, who just refuses to listen to most. But when she spoke, and advise, I listened. I have come to realised that I am not the man I was back in the year 2000. Alot has happen, and through a string of bad choices, I have become a very dark, emotional, unable to trust, a very negative person who has no self confidence. And I'm losing interest in everything, food to my collection, to even people. I have become a shadow of the man I was, and I'm a so scared to trust anyone, that I push them away as I do not want any connections made as I know, they will screw me over. But, after the talks with my doctor (my good friend's nick name), I realise, I need to walk out of my past, and move on with my life and the future. I cannot continue with life as it is, and looking over my shoulder all the time. I need to trust, and I need to stop pushing people away. Easy to say, but in reality, change of oneself is the hardest thing one can do. It is by no means an easy and one day fix, it will take time and effort. Even now, I feel myself distancing myself from my doctor, and I am finding it very hard to not lose her as a friend. I over thinking things, and keep telling myself, I'm a disturbance to her, I'm just wasting her time, and all this thoughts just overwhelm me so much till the point when I just want to scream and let it all go.