Ehm...

It's been donkey years since I actually posted something here... and the truth of the matter is I just forgot about my blog. As time passes, and you get so wrapped with up with everyday life and find less and less time for things that are deemed less important. Slowly, you just forget about it. Alot of things has happened since my last posting, and my life has change so very much. Now, back in Malaysia after spending a good 5 years in Perth, I find myself sitting here, questioning some of my life choices, and would my life be different if I had made different decision? Recently, I met an awesome friend, who has taken the time to talk to me, motivate me, and counsel me on various matters, when she could have easily not taken a care. After all, it is not her problem. Unlike most of my friends, I have never a clicking, a resonances so strong with her. She spoke in simply terms, telling me off when needed, and just laying it bare to me, so much so, I actually sat up and listened to what she was saying. Those who know me, will know that I am a strong stubborn ass, who just refuses to listen to most. But when she spoke, and advise, I listened. I have come to realised that I am not the man I was back in the year 2000. Alot has happen, and through a string of bad choices, I have become a very dark, emotional, unable to trust, a very negative person who has no self confidence. And I'm losing interest in everything, food to my collection, to even people. I have become a shadow of the man I was, and I'm a so scared to trust anyone, that I push them away as I do not want any connections made as I know, they will screw me over. But, after the talks with my doctor (my good friend's nick name), I realise, I need to walk out of my past, and move on with my life and the future. I cannot continue with life as it is, and looking over my shoulder all the time. I need to trust, and I need to stop pushing people away. Easy to say, but in reality, change of oneself is the hardest thing one can do. It is by no means an easy and one day fix, it will take time and effort. Even now, I feel myself distancing myself from my doctor, and I am finding it very hard to not lose her as a friend. I over thinking things, and keep telling myself, I'm a disturbance to her, I'm just wasting her time, and all this thoughts just overwhelm me so much till the point when I just want to scream and let it all go.