Taking the first step

Haven't spoken to doctor since Saturday. Sent her my reply to her whatsapp and haven't had any reply since then. Me being me, decided that she must be upset and did not want to talk to me anymore, so I just remained quiet and did not send anything back. I figured that I must have screwed up somewhere, and I didn't know how to make things back to normal. Things have been going downhill for a bit with doctor. I can only blame myself, as I have this tendency to destroy relationships when things are going good. I get scared and paranoid that I self destruct. I start doing stupid things, making things awkward and basically making the other person just give up or leave. And it's a damn trend that has been going on for the past few years.

I just cannot bring myself to get close to anyone. The moment I do, I have the urge to pack up and run away, and run as fast and far as I can. I am so scared that I will get screwed again that I end up not trusting and breaking things off. Doctor has been an awesome friend, and thanks to her, I have started to try to pull myself out of my darkness, my depression and putting the pieces of my shattered life back together. Then I got scared. I started my nonsense and ended with both of us not talking. Normally, it would not bug me, or make me uncomfortable to not talk to a person after the first day. I would just continue on, and not think about it anymore.

It will be a past that I won't think about anymore. But for the first time in years, I feel different. I have regrets and am so uncomfortable that we do not talk anymore. I think about her constantly and wished that I can fix things. I do not know what to do. How do I fix this? It's the fifth day only, and yet I feel like we have not spoken in months... and it really hurts for once. So, I decided to do something that I would never have done before.

I whatsapp her, asking how she was. Not sure if she will reply. But at least, I am taking the first step.

Lord help me.