Depression

As hard as it is to admit, I have been battling my depression for over a year now and things have not gotten better. In fact, things have progress far worse. It took me a very long time to accept that I am suffering from depression. Despite facing it over a period of 3 years as far as I can remember, I never came to terms with it until this past year. In the beginning, it was relatively mild, and unassuming so it was easy to ignore and continue on. But as time moved on, the darkness within me, grew. Slowly, steady, and stronger. I never thought anything was wrong, I accepted it as a normal thing, feeling sad, down, angry, frustrated as part of me not being happy with work and at home. It did not occur to me, that something else was wrong, and I just ignored it, telling myself, it will get better. But it didn't. It got worse. As I write this, I have changed so much from who I was back then. I no longer find joy in anything. I have lost interest in nearly everything, my personal collections of transformers... just feels like a waste of money suddenly. Watching my favorite series or anime, no longer excites me. I just fast forward to the end, and that's that. I no longer feel any interest in hanging out with friends, or answering their calls or whatsapp / messages. Movies, clubbing, eating out, shopping.... all feels like a waste of time. I just want to be alone. In my room. ALONE. I no longer eat meals. I take maybe a can of soya bean when the hunger feeling hits, but on most days, it just water and a piece of chicken or a spoonful of vegetables. I sleep so much more, and yet I am always tired out when I wake up. I feel like I did not a restful sleep at all in months now, and I have to drag myself out of bed everyday. If not, I'll just lie in bed and let the day pass me by. And as of the past few months, I feel like there is no reason to this life anymore. I actually prayed and asked God to take me, be it heaven or hell, but just to take me. I have been keeping myself in check when this thoughts come in, but it is getting harder. I used to talk to my good friend (Dr) and it helped abit. But ever since we stopped talking, I find this thought coming frequently. I feel so lost in this world, and I do not know where I stand anymore. I keep asking for a break, for something good to happen... and yet it nothing seems to be happening. The one good thing, Dr who came into my life, has also left. I try to fight this feeling, I tell myself I am relevant daily and yet, I feel like I am just lying to myself.