Depression

As hard as it is to admit, I have been battling my depression for over a year now and things have not gotten better. In fact, things have progress far worse. It took me a very long time to accept that I am suffering from depression. Despite facing it over a period of 3 years as far as I can remember, I never came to terms with it until this past year. In the beginning, it was relatively mild, and unassuming so it was easy to ignore and continue on. But as time moved on, the darkness within me, grew. Slowly, steady, and stronger. I never thought anything was wrong, I accepted it as a normal thing, feeling sad, down, angry, frustrated as part of me not being happy with work and at home. It did not occur to me, that something else was wrong, and I just ignored it, telling myself, it will get better. But it didn't. It got worse. As I write this, I have changed so much from who I was back then. I no longer find joy in anything. I have lost interest in nearly everything, my personal collections of transformers... just feels like a waste of money suddenly. Watching my favorite series or anime, no longer excites me. I just fast forward to the end, and that's that. I no longer feel any interest in hanging out with friends, or answering their calls or whatsapp / messages. Movies, clubbing, eating out, shopping.... all feels like a waste of time. I just want to be alone. In my room. ALONE. I no longer eat meals. I take maybe a can of soya bean when the hunger feeling hits, but on most days, it just water and a piece of chicken or a spoonful of vegetables. I sleep so much more, and yet I am always tired out when I wake up. I feel like I did not a restful sleep at all in months now, and I have to drag myself out of bed everyday. If not, I'll just lie in bed and let the day pass me by. And as of the past few months, I feel like there is no reason to this life anymore. I actually prayed and asked God to take me, be it heaven or hell, but just to take me. I have been keeping myself in check when this thoughts come in, but it is getting harder. I used to talk to my good friend (Dr) and it helped abit. But ever since we stopped talking, I find this thought coming frequently. I feel so lost in this world, and I do not know where I stand anymore. I keep asking for a break, for something good to happen... and yet it nothing seems to be happening. The one good thing, Dr who came into my life, has also left. I try to fight this feeling, I tell myself I am relevant daily and yet, I feel like I am just lying to myself.

A friend missed

A good school mate passed away and I went to pay my last respects yesterday. I met up with about 15 school mates some who I have not seen in some 20 odd years. One comment mention really stuck with me, "It seems we only meet up either during weddings or funerals" and it is the truth. As we get older, we find that new things ie family, work takes priority and we do not set aside time for meet up with friends on a regular basis. Instead, it is only during a function that we all meet up, and at times, it's too late. Time does not wait for anyone. You never know when someone number is up. You just don't. So, I'm gonna take time off every now and then to meet up with my good friends, and enjoy the remaining time we all have left and not regret later on.

A change of luck is needed

Since Saturday, I cannot seem to catch a break. Nothing good as come, and everything has been bad across the board. It started at 4AM on a Saturday morning, where I lost an awesome friend, the doctor. We no longer talk or see each other. Our friendship is now, just two random strangers.. and it hurts far more than I can say or express. I miss her terribly, and yet, there is nothing I can do to repair this. My uncle passed away, and went to his funeral on Sunday in Malacca... and found out at night that a good friend had passed on. Just got back from my friend's funeral, may you rest in peace my friend... you will be missed. Plus, got the news that I was transferred from the factory to another company. I'm very worried as I know nuts about their job and I do not have the expertise or knowledge to handle this assignment. I feel like the walls are closing in, and I cannot breath again. I need a change, and for something good to happen. Soon. Before I reach my breaking point.

Updated!!

Decided it was high time I update alot of things on this good old blog of mine! The list: 1. New Look 2. New Colours 3. New Background 4. Change my nickname 5. Change the photo 5. Edited and deleted some of the links New Look, New approach, New way of thinking.

Ehm...

It's been donkey years since I actually posted something here... and the truth of the matter is I just forgot about my blog. As time passes, and you get so wrapped with up with everyday life and find less and less time for things that are deemed less important. Slowly, you just forget about it. Alot of things has happened since my last posting, and my life has change so very much. Now, back in Malaysia after spending a good 5 years in Perth, I find myself sitting here, questioning some of my life choices, and would my life be different if I had made different decision? Recently, I met an awesome friend, who has taken the time to talk to me, motivate me, and counsel me on various matters, when she could have easily not taken a care. After all, it is not her problem. Unlike most of my friends, I have never a clicking, a resonances so strong with her. She spoke in simply terms, telling me off when needed, and just laying it bare to me, so much so, I actually sat up and listened to what she was saying. Those who know me, will know that I am a strong stubborn ass, who just refuses to listen to most. But when she spoke, and advise, I listened. I have come to realised that I am not the man I was back in the year 2000. Alot has happen, and through a string of bad choices, I have become a very dark, emotional, unable to trust, a very negative person who has no self confidence. And I'm losing interest in everything, food to my collection, to even people. I have become a shadow of the man I was, and I'm a so scared to trust anyone, that I push them away as I do not want any connections made as I know, they will screw me over. But, after the talks with my doctor (my good friend's nick name), I realise, I need to walk out of my past, and move on with my life and the future. I cannot continue with life as it is, and looking over my shoulder all the time. I need to trust, and I need to stop pushing people away. Easy to say, but in reality, change of oneself is the hardest thing one can do. It is by no means an easy and one day fix, it will take time and effort. Even now, I feel myself distancing myself from my doctor, and I am finding it very hard to not lose her as a friend. I over thinking things, and keep telling myself, I'm a disturbance to her, I'm just wasting her time, and all this thoughts just overwhelm me so much till the point when I just want to scream and let it all go.

11/02/2012 1031PM

Back.

Remembered that I do in fact have a blog.

Which most likely hates me.

Alot.

I can make alot of excuses as to why I keep failing to update, but lets be honest.
1. Lazy
2. Not Bothered.
3. Forgot

Jeez.

Lets hope I actually do blog more often from now on!

Jeez!!!

I truly am bad at blogging!! I really need a dummy's guide to proper blogging and actually blog often n not just randomly every now n then. Well, last posting in Feb and it's now... Nov!! Jeez!! It really has been that long!! But things have changed n alot if things have happen n changes had to happen in order for me to survive n be a better person!! But more of that later on. I've also lost alot of weight n am able to fit back into 2 XL clothes, from 4 XL!! Which is a wonderful achievement for me!! But later on that as well!