She came back

I don't get it. Dr is back. I really do not understand her or any of this. I was sure that it was over, as things were said and emotions were very high as well and I am sure that the camel's back broke. And yet, today, there she is, saying to forget whatever happen, it does not matter and continue on moving forward as we were. Like nothing happen.

Before that, lets recap on what has transpired and I found out. 2 friends of mine approached Dr and told her a heap of things that I supposedly said about her. Dr asked me, and I told her that was not what I said. End of topic when we met up and I explained. Then last Friday, again, both my friends approached her and told her more stuff that I had mention, and things went downhill from there. I was beyond pissed, and I found out who it was talking behind my back and I sent a whatsapp asking what was happening and an explanation. The reply was she did not tell Dr that, to which I took a screenshot and sent to Dr for her information. And we left it at that with no further communication and both saying bye in end, terminating the friendship.

Yesterday, Dr suddenly whatsapp me a screenshot of the second person telling that they did not lie about what was said. By now, I could not be bothered already on this matter cause I know what I said, and I did not say alot of what they were claiming. I do not know if it was a miscommunication, a jealously gone wrong, or whatever, but my 2 friends were saying it. And I just lost it and told Dr, to believe what she wanted to, as I know what I said. I was not feeling guilty because I did not say it. I was angry tho, at myself for trusting these people who are directly screwing and back stabbing me. Then today, I got a nasty message from the friend, saying I was lying and not a gentleman and shit. I ignored her, did not reply and forwarded the message to Dr. I told her I had enough and did not want anymore nonsense as I have better things to do. Somehow along, I decided that since I was a fake friend to Dr (I believed she viewed me as a fake friend), I told her to tell me straight up and I will leave her alone.

She told me to forget whatever happen, and that we are still friends. And... I was lost for words. After all the nonsense and drama that she was put thru, thanks to me, she says she is still my friend. All the mistakes, the errors, the dumb things I have done, and she still is my friend.

How, is it that I have been blessed to have someone, who has NOT given up on me, when even I have given up on myself? What did I do to deserve this blessing?

 I'm..... grateful.

People Will Disappoint You

I thought I was getting better, I believe that I was changing and I believe I could be blessed of once by god.

But I was lying to myself.

And the ladder that I was using to climb out of this darkness, turned out to be a rotten wooden one, that easily broke, and the hand of darkness pulled me back... no pulled me deeper into this pit. What happen you ask? Well, remember when I mention about that there was a misunderstanding between me and Dr, well I thought I cleared it up. But came Friday, and the person or persons who told her about it, told her more things, and sadly, it was not the truth. One thing about me, if I said it, I'll own up to it. But if I didn't, sure as hell, I am not gonna say I did. So I question the source who said she did not tell Dr that. But at the end of the day, I was the one blamed. I was the one who was a disappointment, hated, and untrustworthy. And I did not say those things. I know the person who said it, and I know Dr. Both are my friends and yet this happen. Back stabbing? Blaming game? Jealously? Miscommunication?

I blame myself.

I should have never trusted anyone ever again. Cause I a fool who trust so easily that people screw me over for anything and everything. I'm a fool for believing in people, and I'm the one to be blamed for everything. I should have known better. This incident has left me very bitter and I hate myself more than ever. No more. I've cut myself off. I have deactivated my Facebook account, twitter and all other social ties with people. I do not need anymore grief or problems in my life. I'm already circling the drain and drinking more alcohol just to sleep that I can't even laugh at myself. I find myself crying all the time and I do not know why I am. I should and prefer to be alone. I don't need anyone to be my friend. I don't any human connections.


 After all, people will ALWAYS disappoint you.

The Good and The Bad

I refused to give up. 

Living with depression since roughly 2002, I have changed and become a withdrawn, negative, a give up with no believe in god or hope. I accept this as normal and have been content to allow myself to drown further and further into the darkness. I lost trust in people, and only looked at the bad, never thinking of the good. I started to assume everything in a negative thought, and lost being positive in everything. I didn't see any light in the darkness and I was happy to not look for it. As mention before, I've started having suicide thoughts and it did not even freak me out. It was normal, I thought and I just let it be.

Then, someone came into my life, without reason, she just did. And something clicked. There was a small, light in the darkness. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about love. I'm talking about a special friend, one who brings so much of positive energy and vibe that it shakes your very core. I have never felt like this before with someone. She speaks with simple words and it makes sense to me. She sees that I can be better, and I believe that I can achieve it, that I am not beyond redemption. It is very hard. To change myself, to become better, is extremely hard, when just giving up and avoiding everything is far easier to do.

It hurts, the disappointing feelings when you fail or things do not work out, really gets to me, and there are many times, when I just want to stop and go back into the darkness and not bother. But when I speak to her, I find the courage to say NO! Not giving up.

Not this time.

I've started to complete all the things that I wanted to do, which have been left half done, or haven't even started. Slowly I have clear around 3 items that I have been avoiding, and working on the rest. It is hard, to put the effort and not always get the results you are looking for, but I'm need to do this. I want to change.

Monday!!

Oh goodness! It was a massive weekend that started on a Thursday and finally ended on Saturday. Thursday was awesome, where I went to the Laundry pub in support of my friend Jason, whose band was playing in the Battle of the Bands that was held there.

Arrived early and decided to have dinner at TGIF E-Curve, where my buddy Danesh has been working for ages now. Had the Chipotle Yucatan Chicken Salad, which was great for me especially with the fresh lime squeezed all over it! Once done, went to the Laundry and despite calling ahead for a reservation and confirming it, there was no place ready.

The waiter had to ask a couple to move from the table that seats 10 to one that seats 4. I mean, 2 people sitting on a table for 10? Come on, that's just stupid. And what is the point of making a reservation when the staff doesn't reserve the table? What if there was a larger group sitting down? -1 for the laundry straight up! The drinks menu was pretty expensive as well, a bucket only had 4 bottles of beer and cost RM 65 + 10% tax, which was a rip off. A bucket has 5 bottles, and not 4. And to charge us RM65 on top of that! -1 more! The night progress, and a the first band sucked, couldn't hear the singer at all.... and by the time my friend's band came on, we had finished our drinks and wanted to re order.

But the LACK of waiters... was a huge problem. 2 guys working the entire inside floor where there was no less that 25 tables and it was crowded. We just gave up after 10 minutes of trying to get the guy's attention.... -1 added on. And for every RM 10 spent, you are supposed to get a ballot paper to vote... and after paying the waiter says, he has no idea what we are talking about when asked for the ballot paper.. disorganized much? -1 again.

Over all, Laundry... needs to really get it's act together especially with the staff and reservations. Left Laundry and headed to SOJU! Where the party just was crazy and I spent way too much then I should have! I did not have much fun as I would expect tho.

A Break Has Happen!!!

I thought about it, and decided to do something. And she replied!! Yes, she replied!! We talked a bit for a while, and I am feeling so much better. Sometimes, all it takes is something good to happen to lift one spirits. And I am smiling like an idiot now.

Taking the first step

Haven't spoken to doctor since Saturday. Sent her my reply to her whatsapp and haven't had any reply since then. Me being me, decided that she must be upset and did not want to talk to me anymore, so I just remained quiet and did not send anything back. I figured that I must have screwed up somewhere, and I didn't know how to make things back to normal. Things have been going downhill for a bit with doctor. I can only blame myself, as I have this tendency to destroy relationships when things are going good. I get scared and paranoid that I self destruct. I start doing stupid things, making things awkward and basically making the other person just give up or leave. And it's a damn trend that has been going on for the past few years.

I just cannot bring myself to get close to anyone. The moment I do, I have the urge to pack up and run away, and run as fast and far as I can. I am so scared that I will get screwed again that I end up not trusting and breaking things off. Doctor has been an awesome friend, and thanks to her, I have started to try to pull myself out of my darkness, my depression and putting the pieces of my shattered life back together. Then I got scared. I started my nonsense and ended with both of us not talking. Normally, it would not bug me, or make me uncomfortable to not talk to a person after the first day. I would just continue on, and not think about it anymore.

It will be a past that I won't think about anymore. But for the first time in years, I feel different. I have regrets and am so uncomfortable that we do not talk anymore. I think about her constantly and wished that I can fix things. I do not know what to do. How do I fix this? It's the fifth day only, and yet I feel like we have not spoken in months... and it really hurts for once. So, I decided to do something that I would never have done before.

I whatsapp her, asking how she was. Not sure if she will reply. But at least, I am taking the first step.

Lord help me.

The new job and my feelings...

As mention previously, I've been transferred from one company to another after a month working. From the factory to the office on the 23/03/2015. Normally I wouldn't have any issues with this, but this time, I have not clue as to what I am supposed to do. I entered the factory without any knowledge on the production items, and starting from scratch, I had to learn fast so that I could keep up with the rest. And now I am placed into another company, a IT company which I have no expertise at all. Hence I am unsure as to how I am gonna learn, as this is very out of my comfort zone! To make matters worse, I am all alone in the office. Yup - 9 to 6 daily, I sit alone here in this office where it can easily hold 15 staff. No one to talk to, no one to go for lunch, and instead I only have myself to keep company. But, truth be told, deep down, I feel relieved to be alone, so that no one can see how bad I have become. And, I miss her so much. Not talking to her, acting like complete strangers.... it is just killing me inside. I hate this. I do not know what to do or how to make things better. I just wish, things can go back to normal. I told myself that I am on the path of change, and instead of relying on friends by talking to them, I'm currently working things out on my own. I'm trying to be more independent at solving my problems, but it is hard. But I need to grow as a man, to be a better man than I am now. I'm slowly taking the steps, but I tend to get lost very often and I cannot see thru the darkness that clouds my path. I knew it was never going to be easy, but I didn't expect this to be this hard. And with me being so depress, for every roadblock I reach, I take 5 steps back. It is a constant struggle to move forward and I can feel the hands holding on to me, pulling me back. Only time will tell if I make it into the light.