Redemption: A Calling

This is my road to redemption.

Aum is the last. The door that starts my path to my glory. The path that will cleanse me and I shall attain forgiveness at the very end.

I was busy playing around and letting myself go. I took the easy way and spent money like it meant nothing. I gain weight, lost myself to drinking. 

Then I met her. Something moved in my heart. I did not understand. I allowed my buddy to talk and hang out with her. I was too busy making out with another girl in front of her.
I was high, drunk and did not have a care in this world then. 

Later on, every time we met, my heart kept hurting. I felt anger at how she was treated by my buddy. I felt ashamed for not standing up for her. In the end, this hurt took the better of me and I told him off. I put a stop to the nonsense, and took her with me.

Since then I have been with her and only her. I have no interest in any other girl. I only care about this beautiful lady sitting beside me, in my arms and I want to protect her from the entire world and it's cruelness. 

I cannot imagine not being with her and at the same time, I am not the best she deserves. 

I am run down, haggard, shell of the man I used to be. I am broke, in debt, drunk, over weight and what could I have to offer her. 

I have been so lost in my thoughts until last night.

Was it a dream? A conversation? 

It was more like a path being shown. A road to redemption for this sinner. 

I have not been good to anyone including myself.

I am a talker. Talking the talk but never doing the action. 

But now I have my path. 

I have my direction. 

My first punishment has been set. 

The glutton in me needs to be punished and killed for this is the righteous path that I am. 

I need to bring myself into the path and to stay on it.

I need to grow up and be the man that is worthy of her. 

This is Day 1. 

And there is many days to go until my end reaches me. 

Back.

I'm painfully aware of my inconsistent when it comes to this blog. I did not however, realised that the last post, was in the year 2018. I always thought it was sometime in 2019 and boy, how wrong I was.

Well, I have accepted that I am too disorganized to maintain a blog. I easily get distracted with things going on and forget my plans to update this blog. So, it would be best to just say, whenever I can and able to, I'll post an update.

No promises, no resolutions. Got to be honest with myself after all.

June 2018

I am trying to get better, be better and move forward.

It is hard. For every step I take forward, I can easily get pulled back 5 steps.

Things are very uncertain at this point and it worries me. I don't feel my feet firmly on the ground.

I hope things take a turn and some light comes in.

I just need something positive to happen. 

Signs of Depression

Check out the link below if you are unsure. While we may ignore the signs as nothing more than being moody, it doesn't hurt to check. There is nothing wrong in admitting that you have depression. There is nothing to be ashamed about. I wished I knew that back then. Maybe I could have taken the necessary steps to get better sooner, instead of later.

Depression Signs and Symptoms

Reminiscing The Second Part

The company I was working for, was pretty much mismanaged.

The owner had tunnel vision and kept staring in front while ignoring everything else happening on the sides. He had around 5 companies in total with only one that had a contract and was making a decent profit. The other 4 companies was just dead weight, with overhead and maintenance cost monthly. We ended up using all the profit from the main company to pay everything incurred by the 4.

He trusted too many wrong people. We purchased 6 Toyota Hilux, basic specs from the price of a fully spec. Why, you might ask? Well the logistics manager, had recommended this purchase and brokered the deal between the company and the dealership. We pretty much ended up paying some 120K extra on the deal. The same manager also arranged for the purchase of a BMW 545i where we paid roughly 28K extra, a Toyota Prado which we overpaid by 17K.

I could not do anything about the managers as they were too secured and had the owner's total trust. I could however, clean the bottom of the barrel with the normal staffs. We were about 300 plus staff strong in total when I started. Upon a complete review, I soon realised that we had too many staff and a lot of them had actually very little or no work on a daily basis. I had 9 HR and Admin girls under me, when I needed only 2 Admin and 1 HR with 1 as HR and Admin. There was no reason for the other 4 companies to have HR and Admin staff when there was no work going on. So I began my culling. As the culling progressed, I met staffs who openly told me, that they had not been doing any work for the company for 2 or 3 years now. They just come to the office, punch card and go home or out.

I knew, I was ruffling feathers and I could hear the whispering in the cracks as I was cleaning up the company, but I ignored it and believed that I was doing the right thing. I got rid of 17 staffs that were working in our factory that has not been operational for the past 5 years. Yup, 17 staffs who came to work, only to sleep, watch television, surf the internet, hang out and well, not work. Mind you, the company was paying for their house rent and transportation from home to the office.

 Closed down an office we had, where there was no staff yet we were paying rent for the place for the last 3 years with 5 parking passes that no one used. The office was fully set up, with existing phone lines, internet service that we paid on a monthly service but not used at all. It was a ghost office which we never needed. Later I came to find out that the IT manager's friend owns the place, and he was the one who recommended we rent it....at double the going rate.

The more I cleaned, the more stronger the tremors became. I was disturbing a lot of people's life hood and stopping their ill gain money supply. I did not bother as everything I was doing, I was reporting directly to the owner and his mistress with proof back up. Before any action was taken, I would have a meeting with them, show the proof and the gains to the company before getting their approval to move ahead.

The company was being cleaned with a huge amount of bleach.

Then the fake rumors started. The character assassination attempts. I challenged each rumor heard, demanding proof but no one could provide any. I continued soldiering on but I started to feel I was running out of breath, slowly feeling the noose tighten around my neck. I was a one man show and I started doubting the sincerity of the owners. I felt something was wrong, and yet I couldn't put my finger on what. The rumors were getting louder and despite promises from the owner that he has told the accusers off.... I felt things were getting worse. I had people keeping an eye on me, at the office, during lunch, even at home. I was being watched constantly and it started to get to me.

I complain to the owner and was told he would handle it, but nothing change. Things got harder and I began to stress out and I was getting depressed more and more on my helplessness.

And then one day... it just ended. I was asked to leave the company after closed to 70% of my cleaning done.  The balance was the untouchables, who despite all the proof available, could not be removed. I was crushed as I have giving this company everything I had.

In the end, I was discarded like a piece of trash and I fell deeply back into depression.

Violet Evergarden

I've been a fan of Japanese anime for the longest of time. I love the story, the art, the uniqueness of it. I'm not referring to those anime that have young children as their target audience but those anime that target teenagers and adults with their mature story lines. 

Recently, I had the pleasure of watching one, from Kyoto Animation via Netflix named Violet Evergarden and it blew my mind. It has such a beautiful story and I loved it. The story revolves around Violet Evergarden, a solider who is trying to reintegrate herself back into society after then end of the war.

I would recommend anyone who loves a good story to watch it. Oh yes, and I actually teared up while watching several episodes so be warned!

Working On Saturday

My opinion.

Working on a Saturday full day sucks.

Every supplier, government agency and banks are closed.

So I've got nothing to do.

Paperwork? That takes 10 minutes to clear.

And then it's YouTube all day long.

It's a waste of time, energy, electric and so on.

Argh.

Reminiscing

Jeez.

I still cannot believe it has been 3 whole years. Time really flies without you noticing.So many things have happened to me, and I've fallen more than I've gotten up.

I was pretty down and lost. I found myself stuck, stagnant and bored of everything. And then, one day a job offer that I could not turn down came in. The pay was great, the perks, even better. Unlimited traveling expense, a company house and cars too boot. I thought about it for a bit, and decided that I had to take it. And it was truly an enjoyable job. I was on my own, in a new place, running the office and becoming my own person. Life was bliss, and I lost a lot of weight (The house came with a pool, and the beach was around 15 minutes away only). I become a different man all together. Had to invest in new clothes as the old ones were too big for me. I ate reasonable, drank very little and was enjoying this new lifestyle.

A year and 7 months later... it all came crushing down. And I fell. Hard. 

3 Years

It's been 3 years since I lasted posted.

3 years. Time does move forward and waits for no one.

A message from a kind person, with wonderful words brought firstly a smile and then the memories of my good old blog. I used to speak about my issues thru my blog as I felt I could not speak to another else. 3 years down and I still find things are the same.

It's not that I choose not to talk to another about my issues. It's more towards the lack of understanding that the person has. I am sure many of us have hear this reply "Oh, you think you have it bad? Well, do you know so and so are having this issues, yadda, yadda..... so your ISSUE is nothing actually?"

People failed to realize that everyone is different and each individual views their problems / issues differently. To you, a 50 cent coin may be worth nothing, but to another, that same coin could mean a saving, food or drink. So when you tell a person that their issue is nothing, you are not doing any favor and actually hurting that person even more.

Ah. I have forgotten how refreshing I feel whenever I updated this blog. And it does feel good.

I'm back.

Maybe. If I do not get sidetracked again.

Sleeping Issue

Since the last week, I've been having issues with sleep. Not to sure if I am over thinking things or it is something else. I've had about 4 hours of sleep a day mostly. And it is not like I am not trying to sleep as well. I get into bed at 10:30 PM, and I roll, twist and turn like there is no tomorrow. I feel so uncomfortable and uneasy that I just cannot seem to doze off. Do not get me wrong, I am sleep like hell, hardly can keep my eyes open, tired, yawning non stop... but I just do not seem to doze off.

She came back

I don't get it. Dr is back. I really do not understand her or any of this. I was sure that it was over, as things were said and emotions were very high as well and I am sure that the camel's back broke. And yet, today, there she is, saying to forget whatever happen, it does not matter and continue on moving forward as we were. Like nothing happen.

Before that, lets recap on what has transpired and I found out. 2 friends of mine approached Dr and told her a heap of things that I supposedly said about her. Dr asked me, and I told her that was not what I said. End of topic when we met up and I explained. Then last Friday, again, both my friends approached her and told her more stuff that I had mention, and things went downhill from there. I was beyond pissed, and I found out who it was talking behind my back and I sent a whatsapp asking what was happening and an explanation. The reply was she did not tell Dr that, to which I took a screenshot and sent to Dr for her information. And we left it at that with no further communication and both saying bye in end, terminating the friendship.

Yesterday, Dr suddenly whatsapp me a screenshot of the second person telling that they did not lie about what was said. By now, I could not be bothered already on this matter cause I know what I said, and I did not say alot of what they were claiming. I do not know if it was a miscommunication, a jealously gone wrong, or whatever, but my 2 friends were saying it. And I just lost it and told Dr, to believe what she wanted to, as I know what I said. I was not feeling guilty because I did not say it. I was angry tho, at myself for trusting these people who are directly screwing and back stabbing me. Then today, I got a nasty message from the friend, saying I was lying and not a gentleman and shit. I ignored her, did not reply and forwarded the message to Dr. I told her I had enough and did not want anymore nonsense as I have better things to do. Somehow along, I decided that since I was a fake friend to Dr (I believed she viewed me as a fake friend), I told her to tell me straight up and I will leave her alone.

She told me to forget whatever happen, and that we are still friends. And... I was lost for words. After all the nonsense and drama that she was put thru, thanks to me, she says she is still my friend. All the mistakes, the errors, the dumb things I have done, and she still is my friend.

How, is it that I have been blessed to have someone, who has NOT given up on me, when even I have given up on myself? What did I do to deserve this blessing?

 I'm..... grateful.

People Will Disappoint You

I thought I was getting better, I believe that I was changing and I believe I could be blessed of once by god.

But I was lying to myself.

And the ladder that I was using to climb out of this darkness, turned out to be a rotten wooden one, that easily broke, and the hand of darkness pulled me back... no pulled me deeper into this pit. What happen you ask? Well, remember when I mention about that there was a misunderstanding between me and Dr, well I thought I cleared it up. But came Friday, and the person or persons who told her about it, told her more things, and sadly, it was not the truth. One thing about me, if I said it, I'll own up to it. But if I didn't, sure as hell, I am not gonna say I did. So I question the source who said she did not tell Dr that. But at the end of the day, I was the one blamed. I was the one who was a disappointment, hated, and untrustworthy. And I did not say those things. I know the person who said it, and I know Dr. Both are my friends and yet this happen. Back stabbing? Blaming game? Jealously? Miscommunication?

I blame myself.

I should have never trusted anyone ever again. Cause I a fool who trust so easily that people screw me over for anything and everything. I'm a fool for believing in people, and I'm the one to be blamed for everything. I should have known better. This incident has left me very bitter and I hate myself more than ever. No more. I've cut myself off. I have deactivated my Facebook account, twitter and all other social ties with people. I do not need anymore grief or problems in my life. I'm already circling the drain and drinking more alcohol just to sleep that I can't even laugh at myself. I find myself crying all the time and I do not know why I am. I should and prefer to be alone. I don't need anyone to be my friend. I don't any human connections.


 After all, people will ALWAYS disappoint you.

The Good and The Bad

I refused to give up. 

Living with depression since roughly 2002, I have changed and become a withdrawn, negative, a give up with no believe in god or hope. I accept this as normal and have been content to allow myself to drown further and further into the darkness. I lost trust in people, and only looked at the bad, never thinking of the good. I started to assume everything in a negative thought, and lost being positive in everything. I didn't see any light in the darkness and I was happy to not look for it. As mention before, I've started having suicide thoughts and it did not even freak me out. It was normal, I thought and I just let it be.

Then, someone came into my life, without reason, she just did. And something clicked. There was a small, light in the darkness. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about love. I'm talking about a special friend, one who brings so much of positive energy and vibe that it shakes your very core. I have never felt like this before with someone. She speaks with simple words and it makes sense to me. She sees that I can be better, and I believe that I can achieve it, that I am not beyond redemption. It is very hard. To change myself, to become better, is extremely hard, when just giving up and avoiding everything is far easier to do.

It hurts, the disappointing feelings when you fail or things do not work out, really gets to me, and there are many times, when I just want to stop and go back into the darkness and not bother. But when I speak to her, I find the courage to say NO! Not giving up.

Not this time.

I've started to complete all the things that I wanted to do, which have been left half done, or haven't even started. Slowly I have clear around 3 items that I have been avoiding, and working on the rest. It is hard, to put the effort and not always get the results you are looking for, but I'm need to do this. I want to change.

Monday!!

Oh goodness! It was a massive weekend that started on a Thursday and finally ended on Saturday. Thursday was awesome, where I went to the Laundry pub in support of my friend Jason, whose band was playing in the Battle of the Bands that was held there.

Arrived early and decided to have dinner at TGIF E-Curve, where my buddy Danesh has been working for ages now. Had the Chipotle Yucatan Chicken Salad, which was great for me especially with the fresh lime squeezed all over it! Once done, went to the Laundry and despite calling ahead for a reservation and confirming it, there was no place ready.

The waiter had to ask a couple to move from the table that seats 10 to one that seats 4. I mean, 2 people sitting on a table for 10? Come on, that's just stupid. And what is the point of making a reservation when the staff doesn't reserve the table? What if there was a larger group sitting down? -1 for the laundry straight up! The drinks menu was pretty expensive as well, a bucket only had 4 bottles of beer and cost RM 65 + 10% tax, which was a rip off. A bucket has 5 bottles, and not 4. And to charge us RM65 on top of that! -1 more! The night progress, and a the first band sucked, couldn't hear the singer at all.... and by the time my friend's band came on, we had finished our drinks and wanted to re order.

But the LACK of waiters... was a huge problem. 2 guys working the entire inside floor where there was no less that 25 tables and it was crowded. We just gave up after 10 minutes of trying to get the guy's attention.... -1 added on. And for every RM 10 spent, you are supposed to get a ballot paper to vote... and after paying the waiter says, he has no idea what we are talking about when asked for the ballot paper.. disorganized much? -1 again.

Over all, Laundry... needs to really get it's act together especially with the staff and reservations. Left Laundry and headed to SOJU! Where the party just was crazy and I spent way too much then I should have! I did not have much fun as I would expect tho.

A Break Has Happen!!!

I thought about it, and decided to do something. And she replied!! Yes, she replied!! We talked a bit for a while, and I am feeling so much better. Sometimes, all it takes is something good to happen to lift one spirits. And I am smiling like an idiot now.

Taking the first step

Haven't spoken to doctor since Saturday. Sent her my reply to her whatsapp and haven't had any reply since then. Me being me, decided that she must be upset and did not want to talk to me anymore, so I just remained quiet and did not send anything back. I figured that I must have screwed up somewhere, and I didn't know how to make things back to normal. Things have been going downhill for a bit with doctor. I can only blame myself, as I have this tendency to destroy relationships when things are going good. I get scared and paranoid that I self destruct. I start doing stupid things, making things awkward and basically making the other person just give up or leave. And it's a damn trend that has been going on for the past few years.

I just cannot bring myself to get close to anyone. The moment I do, I have the urge to pack up and run away, and run as fast and far as I can. I am so scared that I will get screwed again that I end up not trusting and breaking things off. Doctor has been an awesome friend, and thanks to her, I have started to try to pull myself out of my darkness, my depression and putting the pieces of my shattered life back together. Then I got scared. I started my nonsense and ended with both of us not talking. Normally, it would not bug me, or make me uncomfortable to not talk to a person after the first day. I would just continue on, and not think about it anymore.

It will be a past that I won't think about anymore. But for the first time in years, I feel different. I have regrets and am so uncomfortable that we do not talk anymore. I think about her constantly and wished that I can fix things. I do not know what to do. How do I fix this? It's the fifth day only, and yet I feel like we have not spoken in months... and it really hurts for once. So, I decided to do something that I would never have done before.

I whatsapp her, asking how she was. Not sure if she will reply. But at least, I am taking the first step.

Lord help me.

The new job and my feelings...

As mention previously, I've been transferred from one company to another after a month working. From the factory to the office on the 23/03/2015. Normally I wouldn't have any issues with this, but this time, I have not clue as to what I am supposed to do. I entered the factory without any knowledge on the production items, and starting from scratch, I had to learn fast so that I could keep up with the rest. And now I am placed into another company, a IT company which I have no expertise at all. Hence I am unsure as to how I am gonna learn, as this is very out of my comfort zone! To make matters worse, I am all alone in the office. Yup - 9 to 6 daily, I sit alone here in this office where it can easily hold 15 staff. No one to talk to, no one to go for lunch, and instead I only have myself to keep company. But, truth be told, deep down, I feel relieved to be alone, so that no one can see how bad I have become. And, I miss her so much. Not talking to her, acting like complete strangers.... it is just killing me inside. I hate this. I do not know what to do or how to make things better. I just wish, things can go back to normal. I told myself that I am on the path of change, and instead of relying on friends by talking to them, I'm currently working things out on my own. I'm trying to be more independent at solving my problems, but it is hard. But I need to grow as a man, to be a better man than I am now. I'm slowly taking the steps, but I tend to get lost very often and I cannot see thru the darkness that clouds my path. I knew it was never going to be easy, but I didn't expect this to be this hard. And with me being so depress, for every roadblock I reach, I take 5 steps back. It is a constant struggle to move forward and I can feel the hands holding on to me, pulling me back. Only time will tell if I make it into the light.

Depression

As hard as it is to admit, I have been battling my depression for over a year now and things have not gotten better. In fact, things have progress far worse. It took me a very long time to accept that I am suffering from depression. Despite facing it over a period of 3 years as far as I can remember, I never came to terms with it until this past year. In the beginning, it was relatively mild, and unassuming so it was easy to ignore and continue on. But as time moved on, the darkness within me, grew. Slowly, steady, and stronger. I never thought anything was wrong, I accepted it as a normal thing, feeling sad, down, angry, frustrated as part of me not being happy with work and at home. It did not occur to me, that something else was wrong, and I just ignored it, telling myself, it will get better. But it didn't. It got worse. As I write this, I have changed so much from who I was back then. I no longer find joy in anything. I have lost interest in nearly everything, my personal collections of transformers... just feels like a waste of money suddenly. Watching my favorite series or anime, no longer excites me. I just fast forward to the end, and that's that. I no longer feel any interest in hanging out with friends, or answering their calls or whatsapp / messages. Movies, clubbing, eating out, shopping.... all feels like a waste of time. I just want to be alone. In my room. ALONE. I no longer eat meals. I take maybe a can of soya bean when the hunger feeling hits, but on most days, it just water and a piece of chicken or a spoonful of vegetables. I sleep so much more, and yet I am always tired out when I wake up. I feel like I did not a restful sleep at all in months now, and I have to drag myself out of bed everyday. If not, I'll just lie in bed and let the day pass me by. And as of the past few months, I feel like there is no reason to this life anymore. I actually prayed and asked God to take me, be it heaven or hell, but just to take me. I have been keeping myself in check when this thoughts come in, but it is getting harder. I used to talk to my good friend (Dr) and it helped abit. But ever since we stopped talking, I find this thought coming frequently. I feel so lost in this world, and I do not know where I stand anymore. I keep asking for a break, for something good to happen... and yet it nothing seems to be happening. The one good thing, Dr who came into my life, has also left. I try to fight this feeling, I tell myself I am relevant daily and yet, I feel like I am just lying to myself.

A friend missed

A good school mate passed away and I went to pay my last respects yesterday. I met up with about 15 school mates some who I have not seen in some 20 odd years. One comment mention really stuck with me, "It seems we only meet up either during weddings or funerals" and it is the truth. As we get older, we find that new things ie family, work takes priority and we do not set aside time for meet up with friends on a regular basis. Instead, it is only during a function that we all meet up, and at times, it's too late. Time does not wait for anyone. You never know when someone number is up. You just don't. So, I'm gonna take time off every now and then to meet up with my good friends, and enjoy the remaining time we all have left and not regret later on.

A change of luck is needed

Since Saturday, I cannot seem to catch a break. Nothing good as come, and everything has been bad across the board. It started at 4AM on a Saturday morning, where I lost an awesome friend, the doctor. We no longer talk or see each other. Our friendship is now, just two random strangers.. and it hurts far more than I can say or express. I miss her terribly, and yet, there is nothing I can do to repair this. My uncle passed away, and went to his funeral on Sunday in Malacca... and found out at night that a good friend had passed on. Just got back from my friend's funeral, may you rest in peace my friend... you will be missed. Plus, got the news that I was transferred from the factory to another company. I'm very worried as I know nuts about their job and I do not have the expertise or knowledge to handle this assignment. I feel like the walls are closing in, and I cannot breath again. I need a change, and for something good to happen. Soon. Before I reach my breaking point.